Answering the Call
I have to admit that my journey to motherhood and to Faith has been a turn that 20 year old me would have never expected. I was a lost sheep. I was completely consumed by the desire to "prove myself" to the world. I bought in completely to the idea that children are a burden and that motherhood would require misery. Like all the women I followed on Instagram, I wanted to make money and travel! Anything "less" than that lifestyle would mean I failed at society's expectations for a young woman's success.
Right out of College, I was newly married to my husband, Brian, and submerged into the world of Sales & Marketing. This role required me to travel, which I was very excited for. I was "living the dream" I had set out to achieve. Yet, I felt unfulfilled. Several job changes later, we ended up in New England, where I continued chasing and chasing different aspirations and goals. None of them brought me any satisfaction, and the bar was consistently set higher and higher. It felt like endless reaching with no "official success" in sight. The worst part of all of this is I thought that my happiness was all that mattered, because that's what my generation of women have been told so often. Chasing my own "happiness" left me unsatisfied and miserable. I was living on impulse and was never actually walking on solid ground.
Then, the first call came at age 29. Brian and I had casually had a conversation about our fertility clock ticking and whether or not we wanted to be open to life. As someone raised outside of Catholic teachings, I had unfortunately had a long history of contraceptive use to avoid the possibility of getting pregnant. In fact, it was so driven into my generation's heads that pregnancy was the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Becoming a mother would be a burden and would lead to failure of success. As a 29 year old woman, I felt like I had the attitude of a teenager afraid of teenage pregnancy even though we decided we were open to trying to conceive. Within a few weeks of having this conversation, we found out we were pregnant!
I instantly felt the shift in my brain and body to accept motherhood as the most beautiful thing I would ever experience. I don’t know if it was the physical changes that immediately took place, but I knew very quickly that this baby was a gift from God and what a blessing it was that my body was holding life. I also very quickly transitioned my doubts about life starting at conception to being absolutely positive life begins at conception. I felt angered and lied to about the argument that life doesn't begin until 6 weeks or beyond. How could that be true when my whole body and mind had already been drastically changed?
Tragically, 12 weeks later, we found out we had had a "missed miscarriage." This meant that my body was not even aware that our baby's heartbeat had stopped. So, my body continued to get more and more pregnant while our baby was no longer growing. We were shocked and heartbroken. In our lack of planning for something like this, we made a decision to miscarry at home rather than have a surgery. I was given two pills to "speed up the process" that probably would have ended my life if my husband hadn't been there to take me to the ER later that evening. It was terribly traumatic and eye opening to the sufferings so many mothers have endured trying to bring life into the world. I had so many questions. I cried out to God asking why something like this could happen after I had finally answered my call to motherhood? At that time, I was sure God was real, but I was still half in, half out on what religion and serving God meant for me. In my despair, I asked God what I could do to stop the pain and grief I was feeling, and I very clearly heard in my own head what I needed to do next. It was put on my heart to accept Jesus as my Savior and let Him into my heart. I knew that somehow, He could make my burden light and help me walk the rest of my life in a way that serves Him and serves others. My previous life path was selfish, impulsive, sinful, & built on pride. The full story of my “coming to Jesus” moment is intimate and personal, so I won’t share the details. However, it was like my mind and heart had completely changed over night. I’ve never experienced anything like it, and I can only explain it as God’s handiwork.
After I shared with Brian what had been put on my heart, we began our search for the right church. We had gone in and out of a few, but quickly found a home in the Catholic Church. Brian had been raised Catholic, but I was hesitant due to my protestant upbringing and the preconceived ideas I had about Catholics. I quickly realized that I felt the closest to God in the Catholic Church due to its original teachings and traditional rituals. The more I read the Bible, the more I felt that Catholicism was most aligned with God's very consistent and clear teachings. It's also founded by the Apostles themselves, so I find the most truth to be in the teachings of the Catholic Church. However, protestant churches will always have a special place in my heart since I was raised in them. They each offer their own unique qualities that may be important to different individuals seeking God.
On the motherhood side of my transition, I had taken time to process my grief and immediately try to conceive again. As I was experiencing major doubts about my ability to get pregnant after I had read that the pill that was given to me could have ruined my ability to get pregnant again, I cut into a pepper when making dinner. The pepper was pregnant! It had a little baby pepper attached to the inside of it. After feeling some dizziness a day later, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive! I have no doubt that pepper was a divine sign from God.
My pregnancy was filled with constant worry and anxiety. With the help of a close friend, who was also a trained Doula, I learned that I could take part in several holistic approaches to nurturing a healthy pregnancy and prep for birth. I was hungry for information on how to have my most healthy and natural birth. I completely submerged myself into Doula literature and research, which planted the seed for my interest in Doula work later on.
After Natalie Rose was born, I was thinking that I would simply want to go back to my previous Full-time job and possibly lean on Childcare. I quickly discovered my mindset was very much changed. I was remade in motherhood. I had no desire to be a part of systems that work against motherhood anymore. I started to realize all of the societal expectations American mothers face and how heavy enemy tries to make motherhood for so many women. My worldview was drastically changing, to the point I didn't even feel like I could keep up with my grievances over the way so many children are being brought up and the lies that are constantly being fed to mothers and their children. It became very clear to me that the enemy is after mothers, because if mothers can be exhausted, distracted, and in constant survival mode, the enemy can raise her children. If a mother can be constantly leaning on social media and distraction for "advice," the enemy already has her children. Mothers deserve better.
By about 10 months postpartum, I left my full-time role. A decision that came with a major pay cut and a lot of financial stress for us. However, I knew that God would be with us in this decision and I leaned on Psalm 23 a lot in these days. Money is something that would ebb and flow throughout life, but money is not worth sacrificing the values and virtues we want to raise our children with.
For the last several months, I've been in isolation and learning mode, while enjoying the quality time I have day in and day out with my daughter. I've been involved in OCIA as I complete my confirmation into the Catholic Faith. Back in December, I completed my DONA International Certification to become a certified Birth Doula and completed Lactation & Postpartum workshops to further my knowledge. I am spending a lot more time in meditative prayer and have studied the Bible consistently outside of my OCIA workshops. I've felt hungry for information and constantly thirsty for God's guidance. It was only recently that my vision for my mission became crystal clear. Through Lent, I have eliminated so many distractions and have repeatedly have asked God to show me what he wants me to do.
Help other moms and share my story to all who will listen. So, here is where my faith has merged with my work as a doula. I now refer you to my "About Me" section on my website to understand the passion I feel behind supporting Mothers and bringing honor back to motherhood. In total honesty, I consistently feel regret over my outlook on Motherhood through my younger years, and I often wonder how much more fruitful my life could be right now if I had started having children sooner. I have consistently prayed over how betrayed I've felt by the societal teachings that led me astray when becoming a mother has been the answer to my constant longing and has filled me with so much fulfillment and joy (even on the hard days.) I want to help mothers walk through motherhood in the way that God intended and allow Him to use me to help others who might feel constant confusion over what society tells us about motherhood versus what God tells us.
This is the call I am answering and I hope that women who feel called to be a part of this journey will be guided here.
