Christ-like Friendship in Parenthood
Brian and I continue to ask God how we have been so blessed with the friends who have shown up in our lives as we’ve transitioned into parenthood. I never believed anyone who said that friendships after having kids would change. You see some friends go and some friends stay. Most of the time it is nothing personal. Lives change dramatically when kids enter the picture and you begin to discover the beauty in prioritization of children and keeping the family unit as the main focus.
Parents often need friends who truly understand the role that parenting involves. The cancellations, time frame limitations (to work around naps), the struggles of getting childcare, the child that’s acting out at the social function, the constant nursing and diaper changes, the chaos of scheduling in general. There are people who “get it” because they have a lot of associations with young children in their lives, and there are other parents who “get it” and make you feel held through it all with true empathy. This isn’t to say that people who don’t have kids can’t make you feel supported, but it does ease anxieties when you know someone has often gone through whatever parenting thing you’re going through that day.
We very much value having friends in our lives that share our religous views and our world-view. Shared values ensure a strong connection and sense of true belonging, which realistically cannot always be met when big values are not shared. In our small, rural New Hampshire town, we have easily stumbled upon others who share our most important values. In answering our call to officially join the Catholic Church, we’ve made so many incredible connections and friendships that have brought us insanely close to other parents with young children. It’s so beautiful to have a parent to parent connection where all of us can talk about anything with either individual while our kids form friendships that will last a lifetime. Finding friendships with shared values in parenthood make the family unit stronger and healthily rejects what is against the word of God in our society.
Children, especially, are very easily influenced by the people we bring into our lives. With that awareness, we care a lot more these days about who’s in our circle and what behaviors and beliefs model what we hope to pass onto our children. We know that our children will be exposed to society’s “norm” easily enough, but we don’t necessarily want that “norm” to be in a position of influence in our children’s lives. I understand this is often a view that gets attacked as being “hateful.” It is not hateful just because it is unpopular. We do not love anyone who has different views than us any less. In fact, we hold wonderful friendships with people who are not religious, but still model Christ-like living in their daily lives. We also hold beautiful friendships with people who view conflict in the world very differently than we do. The point here is that fostering friendships in parenthood requires the love and care of monitoring who and what is getting into the minds of our children and how they interpret the world.
Friendships require Christ-like love and companionship. I’ve had so many struggling friendships come and go in my life, and I’ve realized now that they’ve gone because our behaviors were not Christ-like (I’m guilty here, too.) Many of my friendships involved competitiveness, keeping score, gossip, fakeness, and conditional love. For the first time in my life, God has placed friendships in my life that have taught me to unlearn some of my bad habits formed out of my younger friendship years. The most important thing I’ve found in my later friendships is the ability to be openly honest. Sometimes, the kind thing to do is to tell someone how they’re making you feel and how they can support the friendship better (or vice versa.) I always feel so much closer to someone who gives me constructive friendship criticism that ultimately help me grow. Jesus was always kind, but he was not always nice. I apply this mindset in that it might be the “nice” thing not to say anything or ruffle any feathers, but it is not the kind thing to let someone go on with something that is negatively impacting you or others.
Additionally, I’ve learned that gossip is really not okay. I’ve always had a strong desire to try to understand why someone is behaving the way they are, and in doing so, I’ve made assumptions about them that ultimately led to defamation. There is a reason the Catechism lists “gossip” under the spiritual murder category in the Examination of Conscience to prepare for confession. It is not right that my perception or assumption about someone might become another person’s truth about them. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21)
Competitiveness and keeping score was a surprisingly difficult thing for me to let go of in adult years. I realized that if someone does something nice for me out of the true desire in their heart, I do not owe them something immediately to make up for it. Gifts used to stress me out because I thought that if I didn’t get them something equal in value right away or for their next birthday, that I was somehow be a terrible friend in their eyes. God teaches us to give for the sake of giving, not because we expect something in return. Once I realized that when I give, I truly don’t expect anything in return, I found peace with receiving gifts from friends.
I find a lot of value in centering my friendship traits around Christ’s love toward others. It is something that I work on every day,, especially knowing that the friendships I form in parenthood will have a deep impact on our children. Building friendships centered on Christ-like behaviors such as honesty, forgiveness, giving, compassion, and unconditional love hold even more importance now as I wish to model what good friendship looks like to my children. It is important in parenthood that we show up for our friends and that they show up for us in order to form true community. Our children deserve to witness strong relationships to model theirs after.
